Baby Wars: Should You Apologise for Not Wanting Children?

During a recent panel discussion on an Irish television show, I spoke about not wanting children. The views of my fellow talking heads were mixed – one had just revealed she was expecting her first child – but almost all of them shared similar views and those who didn’t were still supportive of mine. The open mindedness didn’t last however. An irate caller lambasted me for getting married recently, demanding to know what on earth the point was when my partner and I weren’t planning on becoming parents.

I responded by saying that I fell in love with my best friend and I wanted to make a solemn commitment to him in front of our friends and family. A wedding was a great way of doing that. I also said that in the 21st Century, marriage is not the only environment in which to raise a family nor is it always the perfect one. What the caller thought of my reply I have no idea but her views are not unique. Not by a long shot.

Electing not to be a mother is often seen as an affront to the natural order, as if, simply having ovaries, you must use them. While I completely understand the urge to become a mum, it is not something I have ever experienced. I know things change and people change but so far my feelings on the matter have remained the same as has my refusal to apologise for them.

For years I presumed that my take on parenthood would see me end up alone. Despite the emphasis on women as the gender who long for children, in my experience many, if not just as many, men experience a similar longing. When my relationship with my now husband got to the point where ‘the future’ came into the picture, I was sure the subject of children would be our undoing. There are certain things you can compromise on but having a family is not one of them. If one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t, you’ll soon discover that even love has its limitations.

Thankfully, my husband and I realised that not wanting kids was yet another thing we have in common, not because we dislike children in any way, we can definitely see the attraction, but because they are not for everyone. I can’t imagine bringing a child into the world simply because that is what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. Parenthood is the greatest and most daunting of jobs. It shouldn’t be something you go into blindly. What it produces is far too precious for that.

Statistics show us that more and more women are choosing not to have children, for reasons that are as varied as the seasons. With that, one would hope the negative attitude towards those who opt out of parenthood, the idea that they are unnatural and selfish, will dissipate. Not wanting kids doesn’t make you any less of a woman or a bad person. Talking about not wanting kids doesn’t make you offensive, just honest. Not wanting kids doesn’t automatically mean you dislike them. Having kids reluctantly, as a kind of ‘just in case’ policy is probably not the best idea.

Wanting a family or not should never be something we judge others on or take offense to. Everyone is entitled to make their own way in this world, to dream their own dreams. All that any of us can hope for is that we have the strength of character to stay true to who we are. In doing so, we pave the way for others to do the same, making our world a more compassionate and open place. Surely that’s much better for all of us, children included?

This article originally appeared in the Huffington Post.

5 responses

  1. Hear hear. I have children, because I wanted them, but thoroughly respect other people who say it’s not for them. It’s the expectation: once you’ve sprogged your first, the only thing anyone seems to ask you is “when are you having another?”

    Everyone should put serious thought into having children – sounds obvious, but they are a lifetime commitment. Maybe then, all the children brought into the world would have stable and loving backgrounds, and be well equipped to make a worthwhile contribution to society.

  2. You wording and language use is amazing. I was searching for a quote recently for university, when i stumbled across your blog, and i was blown away. I am now following you and i find all your opinions and posts, very well argued. They are relevant, and you have the talent to mix beautiful language and great anecdotes with important points about life. Im from Sydney Australia. Your blog is the first im following, and i look forward to hearing more of your opinions! Rock on!

  3. I am pleased other women are speaking out about this! I declared to my parents, at the tender age of 12, that I did not want children. They, smiled condescendingly (as only patents can when their very young child makes such a declaration) and said that was fine but not to get too hung up on my decision as I should leave room to change my mind. In the 22 years which have followed, I’ve not had one inkling to be a mother. It’s not that I don’t like kids…they’re just (most definitely) not for me. In my 20s, my expression that I wasn’t planning on parenthood was mostly met with choruses of “oh you’ll change your mind” but as the years dragged on and two serious long term relationships later, I’ve been more frequently greeted by hostility. Mostly from women but also, at times, men! My relationships have been called into question (how could you take a perfectly good, healthy potential father off the market if you do not want to make use of him) as if, the desire to not procreate is synonymous with the desire to remain single. I am blessed that both my partners have also felt as I do. The first relationship lasting 12 years and ending a few years ago, the second coming up to two years. Neither man has had any inclination towards children and for this I am lucky. The punters are right, however, some day I may come to regret my decision. But I made peace with myself a long time ago, and with the fact that I’d much rather regret NOT having children, than the alternative.

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